(Source: district0fmisery, via lookingfor-samantha)
Yesterday was all my friends’ graduation day. The night before, five students were involved in a crash. Three dying at the scene, one passing this morning, and one still in the hospital. Two of those fatalities were students set to graduate at that ceremony.
Last night I had a fire for my graduate friends. It was a fun time and all, but after everyone left, I sat my myself at the fire and just thought about everything for two and a half hours. I burned a lot of things I should have let go after graduation last year. I thought about my life and the people around me. I thought about that crash and all the kids involved. I didn’t know any of them, and I won’t act like I did. The thing though, that just sits in my mind. I saw Jeff and Blake, two of the students who died instantly, literately an hour to an hour and a half before the accident. Blake made eye contact with Sonja and I. Sonja went to school with Jeff. Sonja keeps saying, “What would happen if I had only said hi to Jeff? Or held even a five minute conversation with him? Would this have even happened?” No, I won’t dwell over it, but it’s crazy how things can happen within an instant. How one day you see someone out and about and the next morning you hear they’ve died in a horrible tragedy.
After last night, thinking, burning things, most importantly, letting things go, I think, I’ve decided I’m just about ready to let go of the last chapter of my life, and start a new one. I want to be a better person. I want to make amends with people I’ve drifted apart from. I want to show how much I appreciate, and I mean, really really appreciate everyone in my life.
My family and my friends. They mean more than the world to me.
I sat by the fire by myself last night. Left with my thoughts.
“But it’s worth it.”
Those words will never leave my mind.
Letting go.
I feel like shit. Tonight made me feel like shit. I don’t even know what to say. I feel almost as if you just wanted to get out of hanging out with me. I feel like you don’t care. I feel like I’m not good enough. God, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my entire life. Not at least since my great grandma passed away 3 years ago. I would think you wouldn’t give a shit and just take care of the problem when you say you will. And when you don’t, it makes me feel like it’s not that big of a deal for you and it makes me upset. And the only person I can even talk to about it is you. I waited for you. I thought you woulda took care of it and got the hell out. And now I feel like a nuisance, I feel like you don’t even want to talk to me. I feel unwanted. I feel like shit. And I’m still fucking crying. I can’t stop and I absolutely hate it.
My legs are dangling off the edge, the bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I’ll slit my wrists again and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone.
My legs are dangling off the edge, a stomach full of pills didn’t work again, I’ll put a bullet in my head and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
I didn’t know I had any tears left to cry.
